Yesterday I joined my friends for a special, magical day. A time of bonding. Of sharing what it means to be a woman. Of drooling over Channing Tatum dressed in various inappropriate costumes.
Yes, we went to see Magic Mike.
If you're a regular reader, you may recall that I am not much of a swoon-er. I'm not big on celebrities. They're not real people. They don't know about me or care about me or make me tacos for dinner. So who cares about them?
But Channing Tatum is different. I learned this when I went to see 21 Jump Street and wrote about it
here. It's a short post. All it really says is, "Wow. Channing Tatum is
pretty."
So when my friends requested that we all go see Magic Mike, even though I knew it wouldn't have much of a plot and the writing couldn't possibly be superior to some of the stuff my fourth graders churn out (or watch on shows like the Suite Life of Zach and Cody), I decided it was something I should participate in. Because Channing Tatum is hot stuff.
So my girlfriends and I got together to have our minds blown by the literary masterpiece that was sure to be Magic Mike. I mean come one -there's alliteration in the title! What else could you ask for?
Lisa, Missy, Denise, and I (Chrissy - thus completing the list of very stripper-ish names) met at the theater. These girls make up about half our our book club. This book club isn't what book clubs are meant to be. The last book we 'read' was this one.
I read it. Laura read it. Judy read it.
I think that's it.
Lisa started it and then gave up, saying, "I can tell something awful is gonna happen, so I'm going to pretend that I read it."
Denise had read it before. She reread it and said, "I forgot how sad it was. Why did we choose this book?"
She's the one who chose it.
Missy my have forgotten we were reading a book at all.
So we're not exactly dealing with exacting tastes here.
We walked into the theater and found seats immediately. Lisa said, "Lots of empty spaces. Look," she gestured toward the only pair of young ladies already seated. "More Bad Girls. Like us. Here to drool over hot men."
Let's get real, here. That's the only reason to go. Slowly, the theater filled up about halfway with bad girls. Lisa began to sing, "Bad girls. Talking bout the sad girls. Toot - toot. Yeah."
I chimed in. "Beep beep!"
We were bad girls. As bad as you can be while munching on butter drenched popcorn, sitting in a public place.
The movie started. Channing Tatum ran around doing hot things. He started dancing in ways that I have never seen men dance. I leaned over to Lisa and said, "Wow. He's a really good dancer."I sat back and drooled.
Minutes later, Lisa leaned over to me and said, "Close your mouth," as she took her hand and raised my lower jaw from where it had dropped several minutes before.
Don't judge. It was pretty impressive. He's like a pretty angel dancing man with a sense of humor.
And then he put on glasses. Oh, my goodness. Glasses? Are they trying to kill me?! So now he's a pretty angel dancing man with a sense of humor and he reads? Because that's the inference I make from glasses. He reads.
At one point, I heard Missy giggle, "I just want to brush his hair."
From what I remember very foggily, Magic Mike consisted of two types of scenes.
1. Scenes where Channing Tatum retains his pants.
These seemed to include things like a beach party, a girl, and lots of money. I don't really remember a lot of these scenes. They were great, though, because they were spread throughout the movie, and provided frequent bathroom breaks.
2. Scenes where Channing Tatum removes his pants.
These included things like gyrating, thrusting, and what Matthew McConaughey called "sticking it". Fortunately, these made up most of the movie (I think) and were highly enjoyable. We giggled through them all because it's not possible to take such sexy sexiness seriously. None of us knows any men like that.
Once a scene started out as #1, and I thought maybe it had the chance to become #2, but it didn't. Boo.
Guess which kind of scene this was.
In case you won't see this movie because 1. you feel guilty, 2. your hunny won't let you, or 3. you don't have bad girl friends to go with and make you feel less ashamed about it,
I will summarize it for you.
Channing Tatum is hot. Then he meets some girls who notice how hot he is. Then he goes and dances in a raincoat and then he dances out of a raincoat. When he's done, some other guys dance in and out of raincoats. After that, some boring stuff happens involving non-strippers, and then Channing Tatum dances in a hip-hop outfit. Then some non-stripping events happened and then Channing Tatum danced in an army uniform. Then he danced out of it, and after that he cried a little and then he stopped.
I could probably edit this film down to 22 minutes of awesomeness if we just took out all of the waste-of-time non-stripper stuff.
I only had one complaint. The movie ends suddenly (I thought). You still think you have another opportunity to see Channing take his clothes off or at least dance around like he might take his clothes off. But you don't. So I suggest running a ticker across the bottom of the screen during the last stripping scene. It should read, "THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. HE WILL NOT DO THIS AGAIN. DON'T BLINK."
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